Don't Rush The Refinement

Shifting My Inner Dialogue from Scarcity to Surrender

Not knowing where my next steady paycheck is going to come from, or when, can be stressful. There have been times over the course of the past couple of weeks that fear, uncertainty, and doubt have popped up. It’s important for me to view this period as one in which God is raising me up to stand on a more firm foundation. And not to waver in the face of uncertainty.

James 1:2-4 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

I am working on viewing this as an opportunity to strengthen and refine my trust in God. I don’t want to put my trust in myself anymore. It’s more stressful and the results are hit and miss at best. If I could learn to fully trust in God, it’s hard to go wrong. But that is much easier said than done. Even when I try to, and say that I am, I continually realize there are still parts of myself holding back. Deep seated fears or struggles that I am unwilling to be honest with myself and Him about. It’s scary to acknowledge that we are not perfect, that there are things about life or ourselves that we don’t like but have been unable to fix, and to ask God to help us with these things. It’s easier to pretend they aren’t there. When work or other distractions fill our mind, it’s even easier to pretend they aren’t there. But this mini-sabbatical, or whatever you want to call it, leaves me no choice but to sit with what’s really going on. To sit with the inner critic that says, among other things, “I’m not going to be able to sufficiently figure this out to end up in a position where I feel fulfilled.”

So what do I want to do? I want to take the first thing that comes up. Rush into the next distraction. The Message translation says of the aforementioned verses says, “don’t try to get out of anything prematurely.” Wrestling with this has been a theme so far. I thought about trying to rush to get a deal done on the Entrepreneurship Through Acquisition route in just a few months. Or to start looking for jobs now. There is external pressure, too. So many phone calls with friends and family start out with, “So how’s the job search going?” … It’s not.

And that’s okay. And I’ve been grateful to encounter people that do understand the value of taking time. Not only is it an improved mindset for making decisions (e.g. helping me prevent rushing into a bad deal or role), but it’s a period where God is refining me. And I don’t want to rush that. Even just yesterday, someone challenged me to think about whether I could afford to take even longer than I have been thinking. My lease ends in August, and I conservatively decided that I should try to figure something out by then. But I probably actually have longer runway than that, even before considering the possibility of further cutting living expenses.

So what do I do then? Be joyful that God has put me in this position, where growth is possible. Be patient. Explore through faithful and conscientious action. Through networking. Through writing. Through little experiments. I want to change the self-talk and background noise that runs in my head. From “this is scary, what am I going to do?”, to, “this is great, I am trusting God and He is refining me.”

And pray. A lot. Faithfully. For what? James 1:5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

Praying without doubting is hard enough in general. Praying without doubting when you’re not sure what you’re supposed to be praying for is even harder. At one extreme - I can’t honestly and faithfully sit here praying to hit the lottery right now. But I wonder how much different it is to pray for a great SMB deal to come across my desk, or the perfect remote role doing something I find interesting. I don’t know what God’s will is for me in terms of my next professional step. I do know that His will for me is for my character to be refined and for me to be more like Him. To trust Him more. To cultivate the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). To love Him and others. To trust that He will provide.

Whether I do all that in a corporate FP&A role, as an analyst, or as the owner of a small business - I am not sure that matters. And if I do pray for and receive those fruits, then who cares what I am doing or if I have even figured out an answer to the professional question? I can’t go wrong if my faith is right.

I want to be a doer of the word in these respects, rather than just a hearer. God commands us repeatedly in Scripture to trust Him and not be afraid. When we choose not to trust Him, we’re not just feeling anxious—we’re disobeying His commands, which is sin. But God doesn’t reveal sin to make us feel ashamed or guilty. He does it so that we can live in alignment with Him and with His design for us. Sinning makes our life more difficult. Imagine how much more peaceful and grounded life would be if trusting God in the face of fear became second nature—both in the small, everyday moments and the big, life-shaping decisions. That would be a radically different way of living. James 1:25 says, “But the one who looks into the perfect law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.” I don’t believe that’s a monetary commentary. I don’t believe that He’s saying to me that if I trust Him through this period, I’ll come out on the other side with x amount of money or income. I believe He means I will live a life of more peace on the other side. The fruits of the Spirit will be more abundant in my life.